Barriers to Leaving
Barriers To Women Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Very often we hear "Why doesn’t she just leave" when talking about women and abuse. This very statement is victim blaming and places the responsibility for the abuse on the woman as opposed to the abuser. A different perspective that identifies the many and varied difficulties abused women face is the perspective that there are barriers to women's safety. They include but are not limited to:
Economic:
- A woman may have few job skills, a limited education or limited workplace experience. All these factors make it difficult to start over and become financially self-sufficient.
- May have limited money or no access to bank accounts.
- Real fear of living in poverty.
- Question "How will I support my children?"
On October 1, 2004, a single person on Ontario Works received $325 for the shelter allowance portion of their welfare cheque. On this same day in North Bay, the only bachelor apartment available in the city rented for $450. A parent with two children on Ontario Works received $554 for shelter allowance. On October 1, 2004 in North Bay, there were no three bedroom apartments available. According to housing sources, there were four 2-bedroom units available and their average rent was $756.25. On March 1 of 2005 welfare rates increased. As of this date a single person is allowed $335 for rent and a family of 3 is allowed $571. Even with this increase in rent amounts, women have to use their grocery money to pay for their rent.
Pressure from Community of Faith/Family:
- Family expectations that she stay in the relationship.
- Family denial of the violence. This can particularly happen when there is a generational history of abuse in the family.
- Family blames her for the abuse.
- Her religion may disapprove of divorce or separation.
- Her religious leader may counsel her to stay in the relationship.
- She may have a religious belief about keeping the family together.
Guilt/Self-Doubt/Self-Esteem:
- She may feel guilt for the failure of the relationship.
- She may have feelings of personal incompetence: "I feel and my partner claims that the problems are my fault. I caused the problems and I should be able to fix myself."
- She may have concerns about living independently, especially after being in a relationship where she was not allowed to make her own choices.
- Loneliness. Abuse is isolating and this isolation continues for many women after they leave the relationship. Loneliness is a real fear, that feeling of not being connected to anyone.
- Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: "I don’t want anyone to know."
Concern for children:
- Abuser may threaten to take custody of the children or take them where she’ll never see them again.
- She may question whether she can care for and support her children on her own (emotionally and financially). See Effects on Child Witnesses of Domestic Violence for a broader perspective on this concern.
- She may believe that her children need a father.
Lack of Community Support:
- She may be unaware of services available to abused women.
- Lack of adequate and safe childcare.
- Few jobs and difficulties keeping a job as a single mother fleeing an abusive relationship.
- Past negative experiences with service providers.
- She may be isolated from community services as a result of the abuse or may be geographically isolated (a reality in Northern Ontario).
Other thoughts to think about:
- She may have no support from family and friends. This may be due to her abuser isolating her.
- Love: in many abusive relationships there may be a sense of love and the abuser may be loving or lovable when they are not being abusive (See the Cycle of Abuse)
- Duty: "til death us do part"
- Fear: he may have threatened suicide or to hurt himself, her, her children or someone else.
- Hope: that things will get better.
"Marital separation does not necessarily mark the end of a violent relationship. 40% of women with a former violent marriage or common-law relationship reported that violence occurred after the couple separated." (Status of Women, Government of Canada, 2003)
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